Rock the boat, work the middle
‘Tis the season of storms here, and I was christened recently with my first bout of sea sickness of the year on my morning commute on the ferry. As much as I hate to admit it, I am not cut out to become a pirate, because I just don’t have the stomach or sea legs for it. Aye matey, but what the bloody hell is going on with that there sea sickness? Figure it out or I’ll make ye walk the plank! (Want to translate your own played out prose into sexy pirate speak? Translation treasures are to be found, here, land lovers!)
Balance is detected by your inner ear. When you are on a turbulent plane or a rocking boat, motion sickness happens when there is a discrepancy between what your inner ear is detecting in terms of balance and what your eyes are seeing. Your body detects the side to side or back and forth motion, but your eyes see something else that doesn’t correspond with that motion. When theses two conflicting messages meet in your brain … PUKE! For those truly dedicated to blinding themselves with science, here are some personally tried and true methods to achieving this special feeling!
Status: Plane.
Action Plan: When the plane begins to undergo severe turbulence, instead of trying to look out the window at the horizon (constant visual contact with the horizon is why the guys that drive the boats/planes/autos don’t get sick themselves) keep watching the boring as f_ck movie starring Charlotte Church that’s being shown. Your eyes detect that your body is still, but your body detects the jostling of the plane.
Result: Air sickness. To achieve ultimate air sickness class, take the air sickness bag, puke privately in the bathroom, and dispose of it in the trashcan. Do NOT hand it to a steward or stewardess … they will give you a dirty look.
Status: Boat.
Action Plan: For maximum puke potential, sit as far to front of the boat as possible! Face to the side if you can if you really want to make yourself sick. As the boat tosses amongst the waves, read the paper or close your eyes, and sip on coffee. Sea sickness veterans like myself know that the best place to sit is in the center of the boat, where motion is minimized, and to sit forward so that eye contact with the horizon can be maintained. We also know that it is best to keep your stomach free of liquids, which slosh around in your stomach and contribute to the mess of conflicting information being sent to the brain.
Result: Sea sickness. I highly recommend NOT puking in any boat bathroom. Wait at least until you get to your destination. For some unknown reason boat toilets always have spots of pee on the seat AND the toilets are the kind without any water in it. If you projectile puke it’ll just bounce off the inner rim of the toilet and end up on your clothes. Not a good way to start your morning.
Status: Automobile
Action Plan: Fall asleep in the back seat of the car as the trip begins. As the car begins to climb a long and windy mountain road, have somebody wake you up from your slumber. Remain in the back seat, and look out the side passenger window instead of focusing on the horizon. Get ready to yell at the driver to pull over so that you can puke your breakfast out on the side of a busy road in front of cute skiers and snowboarders.
Result: Car sickness and embarrassment.
Go forth and science!
You gotta fight for your right
The repercussions of childhood reverberate long after those years are over. Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be power tripping lawyers! Beady eyes strikes again: his new favorite thing to do is to write me long winded emails explaining what asinine task he wants me to undertake. In the time that it takes him to write these long winded emails, he could have completed the asinine task himself. His little elitist mind lashes out against all the bullies that picked on him when he was pale lump of unathletic childhood by bossing me around. Little does he know that he’ll never be the boss of me, and each time he gains pleasure by asking me to do something stupid like fetch him tacks or boxes of tissue as if I meticulously studied the art of retrieval in school, I laugh at him and all of his obvious feats of overcompensation.
I realize it’s probably not healthy to hate somebody so much, but I’m putting it to good use. Lately I’ve been going with The Boyfriend to the gym in the hopes of building some muscle in my spaghetti arms. In addition to being the funniest guy on the block, The Boyfriend is a wealth of weightlifting and protein powder and supplementation information. We were using this shoulder machine thing the other night at the gym and he kept saying, “GET ANGRY right before you push the weights up! Explode! GET ANGRY!!!”
The Boyfriend: Lift those weights! GET ANGRY!
Me (internal stream on consciousness): Dammit, Beady Eyes, you mofo! Get your tacks yourself you lazy ass beast!
The Boyfriend: Control your breathing! GET ANGRY!
Me (internal stream on consciousness): You lump of pasty pale flesh! Get yourself some badly needed cardio and walk the ten feet to the fax machine and exercise your fat fingers by fax your f-ing document yourself, Beady Eyes!
I’m disappointed and disgusted by the outcome of the election. My initial reaction: I better start training myself to say “aboot” instead of “about” so I’ll fit in when I move to Canada. I read in the
San Francisco Chronicle that inquiries about at the Canadian embassy in Washington have increased since the results have come in.
When I realized that packing up and leaving wouldn’t really help anything (besides, Canada is cold and there’s no surfing there) I tried to think of realistic things I could do make the next four years tolerable. What will I do every time I hear or read about things that make me sick to my stomach? When I hear those crazed right-wingers going on and on and on about how they voted for Bush (who barely bumbled through the three debates) because he’s a good Christian what can I do besides suppressing my need to simultaneously throw up and to beat the shit out of something?
1. When I get pissed off about rants about how gay marriage is going to ruin society I’m going to give money/time to the
Lambda Legal, which according to their website “is a national organization committed to achieving full recognition of the civil rights of lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, transgender people and those with HIV through impact litigation, education and public policy work.” You can donate money directly through their site!
2. When I am disgusted about how our environment is being destroyed I’m contributing to the
Sierra Club. Besides being able to donate to online, they have a really good section on their website that’s titled “Take Action,” where they give you info on how you can write letters or get involved with issues that may interest you or affect you
3. When I get frustrated with the increased funding of abstinence only programs and the draining of funding to programs that promote sexual education and contraception, or the taking away of a woman’s right to choose to have an abortion I’m funding
Planned Parenthood .
GET ANGRY, people.
