Rock the boat, work the middle
‘Tis the season of storms here, and I was christened recently with my first bout of sea sickness of the year on my morning commute on the ferry. As much as I hate to admit it, I am not cut out to become a pirate, because I just don’t have the stomach or sea legs for it. Aye matey, but what the bloody hell is going on with that there sea sickness? Figure it out or I’ll make ye walk the plank! (Want to translate your own played out prose into sexy pirate speak? Translation treasures are to be found, here, land lovers!)
Balance is detected by your inner ear. When you are on a turbulent plane or a rocking boat, motion sickness happens when there is a discrepancy between what your inner ear is detecting in terms of balance and what your eyes are seeing. Your body detects the side to side or back and forth motion, but your eyes see something else that doesn’t correspond with that motion. When theses two conflicting messages meet in your brain … PUKE! For those truly dedicated to blinding themselves with science, here are some personally tried and true methods to achieving this special feeling!
Status: Plane.
Action Plan: When the plane begins to undergo severe turbulence, instead of trying to look out the window at the horizon (constant visual contact with the horizon is why the guys that drive the boats/planes/autos don’t get sick themselves) keep watching the boring as f_ck movie starring Charlotte Church that’s being shown. Your eyes detect that your body is still, but your body detects the jostling of the plane.
Result: Air sickness. To achieve ultimate air sickness class, take the air sickness bag, puke privately in the bathroom, and dispose of it in the trashcan. Do NOT hand it to a steward or stewardess … they will give you a dirty look.
Status: Boat.
Action Plan: For maximum puke potential, sit as far to front of the boat as possible! Face to the side if you can if you really want to make yourself sick. As the boat tosses amongst the waves, read the paper or close your eyes, and sip on coffee. Sea sickness veterans like myself know that the best place to sit is in the center of the boat, where motion is minimized, and to sit forward so that eye contact with the horizon can be maintained. We also know that it is best to keep your stomach free of liquids, which slosh around in your stomach and contribute to the mess of conflicting information being sent to the brain.
Result: Sea sickness. I highly recommend NOT puking in any boat bathroom. Wait at least until you get to your destination. For some unknown reason boat toilets always have spots of pee on the seat AND the toilets are the kind without any water in it. If you projectile puke it’ll just bounce off the inner rim of the toilet and end up on your clothes. Not a good way to start your morning.
Status: Automobile
Action Plan: Fall asleep in the back seat of the car as the trip begins. As the car begins to climb a long and windy mountain road, have somebody wake you up from your slumber. Remain in the back seat, and look out the side passenger window instead of focusing on the horizon. Get ready to yell at the driver to pull over so that you can puke your breakfast out on the side of a busy road in front of cute skiers and snowboarders.
Result: Car sickness and embarrassment.
Go forth and science!
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